Trying to figure out if something is normal or not. I'm pretty sure it is, but it's never really happened to me before, so I'm curious.  

I have a good friend who kindly offered to beat me last week. It was awesome, sharp, stingy, and exactly what I needed at that time.  I tend to bottle up all of my stress, and feeling my brain click into the mode where it is ok to let that stress go and become a big puddle is remarkably cathartic.  It was a very intense, hard beating, painful, but in that really good, your shoulders hurt 4 days afterwards, delicious sort of way.  Despite that, I felt fully present and in my body the entire time. 

Last night, he offered to flog me again, and being the greedy masochist that I am, I said, yes please yes please! :)  This time it wasn't as painful, but it seemed like he flogged me for a very long time. I never was hit quite hard enough to make my brain switch into ow, time to cry mode, but instead it just sort of... went away. I don't know how else to describe it.   I've been in what I thought was sub space before, which is an endoprhin rush and I feel all giddy and floaty, but this was different. Not bad, at all, but I felt completely disconnected from my body.  I literally couldn't respond to his last couple, are you ok's, with anything other than a thumbs up.  I was simply unable to vocalise.   I had to sit for a while because I was really, really dizzy.

When I did finally move,  I could hear and process people talking to me, and to each other, but I felt like I was not actually present in my body.  It was occupied and I was listening in another room, but couldn't respond.   I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I just.. was.   I felt very chilled out, but completely unable to process any sort of external communication.   I actually wanted to curl up and go to sleep on the flogging bench:)

It wasn't until I sat down in the little bird cage with iron bars around me and just watched people for a little bit that I felt like I came back into myself.   I think I enjoyed the sensation, but it felt really wierd to be that disconnected.  I am a control freak about my own self usually, which is why pain is a really effective way for me to relieve stress.   I'm just sort of amazed at the different ways the brain can process this sort of stimuli.   Ok brain, what are you going to throw at me next. 

Oh - I don't think i've specifically mentioned it but I am now screening all comments. This journal is open, and was getting some odd remarks, so to save my sanity and privacy I'll keep things screened unless I'm advised by the commentor it's ok to unscreen (and of course even then I reserve the right to maintain screening at my discretion)

Posted at the request of.. someone special.  One variant of a game we like to play.  I'll probably post some other options just for my own mental clarity.  

We haven't even left for the club yet and already you're commanding my preparations  You wash my hair for me, lather my back, and tell me - 
"Stand still, I don't want you to do anything right now, I'll take care of you".   

I do, and enjoy the feeling of your hands on my skin, soft and teasing, even as you guide the razer over my legs.  

You finish rinsing me off, dry me with the towel, and tell me what to wear.  You've asked me previously to lay out  three outfit choices for you. 

You select your favorite, but don't let me dress just yet. 

"Stand still" you say, insistent this time,  grabbing a thin piece of rope and catching it over my wrists, attaching it to the door to ensure I don't wander.

While I stand tied for your attention, you blindfold me, and I can feel you running thin rope over my entire body. 

It runs between my legs, pulling tight. You bind it at my waist, remove the blindfold, and order me to get dressed.   "You will not be allowed to wear any panties this evening"

"What?" I'm stunned, and start to blush. I feel even more naked due to the rope. I'd assumed I'd be covered!

I start to go to my drawer and getting underwear anyway, but you grab my hair, yank me to the bed and slap my ass hard.

"NO!" You *WILL* listen when I tell you to do something. "

Slightly more meekly I put on the rest of my outfit.  We make out the door, and you tell me to drive to the club.  I would have done so anyway, but I love that you're telling me to do so.

As soon as we arrive, you order me to remain in the car, you will open my door for me and escort me up the stairs.  Once at the top, my collar and lead are attached. We sign in, say our hello's, but you remind me that you're in control with subtle tugs.  As we stand and chat, your hand goes into the back of my head, pulling me hair, pulling my head back into you so you can kiss my forehead softly.   I go to sit on the couch, but instead 
"What do you think you're doing silly slut?, Where is your place?"
"At your feet, sir" 

With a pat to my head and a smile you pull me down to sit between your knees, petting and pulling my hair reassuringly.

Once we've settled and socialized for a bit, you pull me up off my feet and i follow you into the other room. 

"Strip"
"Everything?"
"Yes! I told you to strip, whore!"

I blush, but I do as you say.   I don't move fast enough though, and you pull the clothes off of me. Careful not to tear but enough to let me know you're  impatient to play and will not stand for any impertinence.

As soon as my clothes are off the rope is visible.  You abruptly grab me, one hand in my hair, the other in the crotch rope, and slam me against the wall. You kiss me deeply, tell me to stay there, grabs the toy bag, and lead me by my hair, roughly, to the interrogation chair.

I'm put into the chair, blindfolded, tied up so I can't move.   You tilts me backward,  the chair designed for exercise, swinging freely upside down, the legs moving apart at your discretion.  You stands between them, and with no warm up shove two fingers inside me - wiggling them, finding my g-spot, and then withdrawing.

"I thought so, you're wet".   And just as sudden as that you are the Spy master.  I am being interrogated, pressured for information, and tortured.  You pull me from the chair, over to the spanking bench, and flog me, hard. There is no relenting.  Flogging strokes falling over my shoulders, my ass, my thighs, my calves.  You move to the cane, and use it everywhere.  You pull my hair, forcing my head back, makes me say unspeakably foul things about myself.

The spymaster calls me names.  I won't relent, I don't have the information that he wants.  Suddenly, my bonds over the spanking bench are released, and I'm dragged back over to the interrogation chair with slaps.   He tips me upside down again, and holds a knife to my throat. 

He tells me what he will do, and who is watching.   I feel other hands touching me. I don't know which are his, and which belong to others.  All I know is that I can't give him the information he wants from me.  The knife cuts deeper, flicks off and on by my ear, and slides across my skin.   I still feel other hands on me, playing with my nipples, pulling my hair, running toys along my skin.

Abruptly, all sensation stops.  The chair is jerked forward again, roughly. My legs are spread apart.  As I am blindfolded I feel a hand push roughly into my cunt.   Wet enough? A voice says.. it's not yours.  A grunt, was that you?   I feel a cock push roughly inside me, my legs straining, tight, I can't move a muscle.   The cock pushes faster, harder, and then slows, as I feel a finger tickle my ass hole.  The finger pushes in as I hear a grunt.. yes I know that noise, you're fucking me now for your own pleasure.  Taking your time, not letting me move.  But I still feel that finger in my ass. I'm terrified, I don't know if it's a toy, or if it's yours, or who it could be.  You shove the gag in my mouth when I start to protest, and pull my hair as you fuck me.   You come long, and hard, and leave me dripping.  

I hear nothing for a few minutes, I'm left to wimper, exposed in the interrogation chair.  I can hear others talk, and even feel breath blowing on my skin. 

One of my arms is freed, and a vibrator is pressed into my hand.  The spymaster tells me to use it.  I do, and as I begin I hear the snap of a rubber glove.  It makes me even wetter.   I also hear the snick of a knife being opened. 

The knife is stroked over my face, over my arms, my breasts, my thighs.   I continue to use the vibe and feel a hand slowly work its way deep inside me.   It doesn't take long, and I come around the squishy noises of my come filled, fisted hole.    As I do so you slap my face, my breasts,  degrade me for being a slut, a spy, the kind of girl who deserves to be humiliated.  

I still cannot see who is doing what to me.  I feel hands move lightly over my skin, stroking me, stroking my hair. I relax, knowing that despite the foul things done to my body I hadn't betrayed the secret I was not to expose.  

Slowly, I'm brought up and wrapped in a warm blanket.  You lead me, still blindfolded, to cuddle on the couch.  I rest against you and feel loved....

But we weren't done yet.   After a while, when I'm warm, and drowsy,  you lead me to the birdcage.  I'm placed into the cage, a note on the cage giving permission to torment me.  A cane and feather are conveniently left for amusement value.   Soon I am being tormented by... you? By unknown strangers?  tapped, poked, prodded, tickled and hit, until you decide to let me out.   Once more I'm lead to the flogging bench, tied loosely down, and flogged with a thuddy flogger as I float away into dreamland. 

After what seems to be forever, you let me up, I slide to the ground, and rest my head against your knee as you gather me in your arms and hold me close.  We sit cuddled on the floor until I can move, and then you guide me back so I can rest at your feet the rest of the night.   I'm allowed to sit, rest, be cherished, until you drive us home and put me to bed, lightly tied, and in your arms.