Dear Serolynne:

My husband and I recently got married although we’ve been together for almost 10 yrs. A little bit before we got married I started falling for a close female mutual friend of ours. Since we’ve been married my husband has now fallen for her and things have gotten heavy quickly. Recently I’ve been experiencing feelings of jealousy towards both of them and I feel bad because they’ve noticed and are now becoming uncomfortable with each other. Any suggestions on how to remedy the situation?

Thanks,
Jealous Partner

Dear Jealous Partner:

From the sounds of it, it doesn’t seem like the three of you are talking about things as openly and honestly as you could be.  My best suggestion would be for you to first of all have a conversation with your husband about his impressions of this new relationship and where he sees it going. I would then further encourage all three of you to sit down and talk very directly about the relationships and any feelings that are cropping up.

Aside from jealousy cropping up from internal insecurities, it can also come as a result of a fear of the unknown. I suspect in your case that you’re not getting enough information about what is going on from them, and they’re not hearing your concerns.  I would imagine that opening up the dialouge will go a long way to helping everyone feel more comfortable from better understanding of where your boundaries and trigger points are.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

In the last 2 months I’ve met and hit it off with a really incredible guy who knows both me and my partner already, and understands and sees himself fitting into both our lives and is comfortable with that. Everyone is happy and excited about the situation.

What I’m now struggling with is the safe sex conversation that I have to have with my new partner. Condom usage for intercourse is a given, but my partner of 4 years and I are both feeling we should set a new standard for safer sex and get all parties tested if there is a possibility for a long term relationship. I know it needs to be done, but I don’t know how to propose STD testing before we engage any further. Any stories of the ways others have dealt with this situation would be appreciated, as would any advice.

Thank you,

Excited and Trying to be Responsible

Dear Excited:

Congratulations on the new partner, and for wanting to be responsible for your health.

I typically e-mail them my most current sexual health and history spreadsheet (click for a blank copy)and ask for theirs in return. Has worked like a charm every time - tells them right up how seriously I take the subject, and creates a clear opening for having the discussion and dealing with the topic in a straightforward way.

Another fun way I have heard of people handling this is making a date to go get tested together.

I figure.. if I can’t talk to someone about sex and sexual health with them, why would I want to have sex with them anyway?

Best wishes,

- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

 I’ve been involved with my partner for almost 10 years, and I have been dating another guy who lives with us for a little over a year now.  The three of us have gotten along fabulously as housemates, and the relationships have been mostly comfortable. The three of us are fluid bonded, and I thought we were all on the same page about safer sex and the practices we would have with others.   But now I’m heart broken - as my shorter term boyfriend went to a masturbation club last weekend, and ended up having protected intercourse with two different women.  This is totally outside of both my expectations for him attending a masturbation group (I thought no sex would be occurring), and outside the parameters of what I thought our agreements were. 

My boyfriend tells me that he thought that being in a polyamorous relationship and my agreeing to him checking out the club is justification enough for the encounters he had - especially since he wasn’t intending to pursue relationships with the women.  

Is there any hope for this?  I feel that even if he gets tested for all STDs, that resuming an intimate relationship with him may not be workable for me.

Thanks,
- Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken:

To me it sounds like you and your boyfriend are on very different pages and stages of life and relationship desires. I’d be curious to know how mutual your safer sex agreements where, or if he was just agreeing to what you were asking for at the time. I’ve personally found a big difference when negotiating boundaries with people when we’re all individually on similar pages, than when there might be bigger divides and we’re actually negotiating a compromise for all.  When your own internal boundaries are generally in line with the boundaries of the group, then it’s so much easier to stick to the boundaries because it’s more like following your natural instincts than consciously keeping agreements in mind all of the time that may sometimes seem limiting.

I suspect your boyfriend is in a much more exploratory space than you and are your partner are, and that his desires right now may not be in line with what you want out of relationship.  I think your intuition is likely on target - that resuming a relationship with him at this point may be difficult unless you both can find ways to honor both of the places you’re at. And this can be difficult if one partner is not willing to take on a higher STD risk factor, and the other is in a more exploratory space.

And of course, any hope of finding a balance in this would have to come after healing the violation of trust that you may be feeling of having your agreements broken in the heat of the moment.  Polyamory is not a free license to have sex with whomever you want whenever you want, unless that is a specifically negotiated element of your relationships.

Best wishes,

- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

Hello, I was thrilled to come across your website. It made my day. I have recently been asked to join a couple in Polyamory. (I hope I used that word correctly.) Being with this couple is so familiar yet I have never done this before. The same feeling happened when I visited your website. It was quick and it was in my face, Bam. My heart skipped a beat. You look so happy, so alive and still rising In life. I feel that way when I’m with my couple. My wife would never hear of this relationship. Should I live in fear or regret or maybe this could be the one that works. We love each other and the lady has asked me to handfast with her and her husband is so so happy about this. It’s so beautiful and I don’t want to miss my chance to truly experience life by opening up my heart to what may come. Or, am I just crazy ?

Yours truly,
Bob

Dear Bob..

Unless you have a pre-existing agreement with your wife that you are open to see other people, what you are doing is definitely not polyamory. And seeing as you say your wife would not hear of such a relationship, I am guessing your marriage is not built on a polyamorous foundation. And if you do have any sort of agreement to see other people, I am guessing that it is one of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’,and I would not presume that it was intended to include relationships as serious as handfasting with other people.

What it sounds like to me is that you are having is an affair. You are cheating. Yes, I understand it feels good and familiar and right, but it is not. Absolutely, under no circumstances, should you continue on with this couple until you have resolved things with your wife. Does this couple even know you’re married? If so, then why would they ask you to handfast with them knowing you are already committed to someone else, and she does not know and support your potential handfasting?

Either bring openness and honesty into your relationships - specifically with your wife, or proceed with the divorce you know you need to do so that you can move on with the life you want. Tell the couple you need to get your life in order before you can see them again, and then go get your life in order. Do not expect it to come together quickly. Bringing polyamory into your marriage, especially after you have been cheating, is a long and complicated road, and it may take years and lots of therapy. And you well know your own entanglements that would need to be undone should divorce be the answer.

You owe it to your wife and the commitment you made to her. You owe it to the couple, and the commitments you are feeling called to make to them. And most of all, you owe it to yourself to create the life that brings you happiness.

- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

My husband and I are in a polyamorous relationship. About a year ago, he started dating a woman and fell really in love with her.  However, she exhibited some personality traits I was not comfortable with and he and she agreed to back off of the relationship.  He and I were having some other relationship issues, so this was supposed to give us a chance to work on our own relationship.   However, he still kept quite in contact with her - exchanging hot chats, kisses when they saw each other and expressing their love for one another. Basically, they were in limbo between being broken up and being in relationship. 

I had suggested that they resume dating, and I would be willing to work through my emotions. However, they insisted on not doing so.

About a month ago, I discovered that they have been doing small things behind my back. There was a night of stolen kisses, long chats (where they removed the chat logs) and lots of text messages on their phones.  They were intentionally hiding these things from me, despite my previous willingness to support their relationship.  I just don’t understand why they would feel the need to sneak behind my back when they had my permission? 

Thanks,
- Cheated on

Dear Cheated On:

Despite popular assumption, it’s still entirely possible to cheat while in a polyamorous relationship. And while your husband may not have technically cheated, it certainly sounds like things were bordering on a full blown affair.

There’s some speculation that human’s have a natural tendency to cheat and lie, but I’m not sure I entirely buy into it.  Your husband may have some past relationship experiences that may show a pattern of intentionally sabatoging relationships. If so, counseling will probably be his best bet at helping break those patterns.

However, you may be dealing with someone who may not only have a tendency to sabatoge relationships, but also someone dealing with some very intense limerence. Limerence goes beyond the emotion of love. It’s those initial months to years of a relationship that can leave your stomach with butterflies and colors our perception of reality. It can also be unhealthy if not kept in check, and can lead to situations like what you find yourself in.

And the ironic part? Trying to stop it only feeds it. I suspect that in the process of your expressing your discomfort with the relationship, your husband has allowed that to serve as a barrier to building the relationship (despite your urging for them continue dating). To limerence, it is more exciting to have obstacles and challenges, so them being on the sly adds to the romance and energy. Very dangerous stuff in a polyamours context. And honestly, I don’t think there’s a thing you could have done differently to try to circumvent this - you gave them opportunity to resume, which would have been my advice for working through limerence.

Best wishes on the months ahead of you,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

I’m a single older gentleman. A couple of months ago I went on a cruise, and I met a delightful woman. She’s married and her husband was on the cruise with her. We hung out quite a bit and kept in touch afterwards, exchanging several nice e-mails. She and her husband have now invited me to come for a visit at their house later this spring.

While she hasn’t brought the subject of sex up, is it possible that she and her husband are inviting me to join them sexually during my visit? I’m curious about polyamory and group sex, so I’d be quite open to the idea. But I don’t want to offend them by asking if that’s not what they’re inviting me for.

Signed,
Courted?

Dear Courted:

Many people are not direct in their communication and intentions, which can make it very difficult to know exactly what to expect. It may be hard to tell if you are detecting a possible sexual openneness in her communications that is authentic, or if you are reading that through the filters of your curiosity of polyamory and group sex. I know that I would be uncomfortable traveling to visit someone not knowing what the intentions are of the visit.

It’s quite possible that this couple is not at all interested in group sexual situations, and simply finds your company pleasant and wishes to host you and show you their home. In that case, bringing up the subject directly could be offensive to them, and even potentially lose their friendship. My recommendation would be to start working the subject into conversations with your lady friend as you continue to get to know each other. Let her know that you’ve been researching about polyamory and considering if it is right for you. Perhaps talking to her about the people you’re meeting online for dating purposes and the difficulty of bringing the subject up, maybe even asking her advice on how to approach others about it?

Do it in a way that doesn’t convey that you’re looking to her and her husband for this purpose. This leaves the door open for her to reply in the affirmative if this is something they are interested in. If they’re not, then you can more properly set your expectations for your upcoming visit as being a strictly social call.

Safe travels,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

I left my husband of 18 years almost two years ago. In those two years, I have become extremely close to my best friend of about five years, seeing her everyday, talking to her at least two times a day on the phone and she and her husband even invited me to go to on vacation with them. It even has gotten to the point, I really don’t have any other friends but her. I would rather sit at her house and talk with her than go to a bar. My family is estranged and growing up with abusers, I didn’t have that bond. I embraced the acceptance I got from my friend and her family.

Four months ago, she seduced me and I wasn’t an unwilling partner. She told me it would never happen again, it was wrong. I was a little taken aback, feeling it wasn’t wrong, but at this point, she tells me what she wants from me and I’m subservient. The second time it happened, she invited Bill, her husband to join us. I was even more leery that time, but figured it was her call.

When she has had a couple of drinks, she says when she dies, she wants me to be her husband’s partner and tells him that she and I love each other and love him, stuff like that. I don’t have any feelings for this man, other than a deep fondness as a friend. I have an annoying habit of doing what she tells me and saying things I think she wants to hear.

About a month and a half ago, she called me and we talked a long time. Yes, we both had been drinking. I was rambling on how I didn’t need a man in my life, I was happy were I was. She said, all you need is Bill, and thinking we on the ‘when I die’ subject, agreed with her. She told me she didn’t trust me alone with Bill anymore. I tried to explain that I don’t want Bill, but she won’t listen.

Our friendship is rather distant at this point. She talks to me when I call her and only if she wants to, otherwise she tells me she’s busy and hangs up. I messed up so terribly bad. I’m losing my best friend. I don’t know how to fix it. I want my best friend back, I don’t want to end it like this, or end it at all, I want it to be like it was six months ago before all of this took place. I don’t know how to make it right.

Dear Confused and Hurt:
I think there are a few things at play here:

1) You seem to have some sort of addiction to this woman that makes it difficult for you to function without her guidance. It may be a combination of being limerent towards her, as well as some sort of co-dependency combined with your submissive nature. Either way, the feelings you have for her have not been manifested in healthy ways.

2) Your friend may have problems with alcohol, in which she pushed beyond her own personal boundaries while under the influence, and then regrets the decisions after she sobers up. Unfortunately, you have been caught up in her games and hurt in the process. Perhaps her husband has expressed wishes in the past to have the involvement of another women in their marriage, and this is her way of feeling things out to see if she’s able to handle them. Apparently, she is not totally comfortable with it and not secure in her relationship with her husband in such a way that she can share him if she feels any sense of threat from the other woman. And whether or not you actually present a threat is besides the point to her, she’s going to see it because that’s specifically what she is most afraid of and is thus on the lookout for.

3) You really need to develop more of a social life. Having a wider circle of friends will really go a long way towards easing the pain of the loss of this friendship as well as giving you multiple outlets in the future for your social life. Find groups and clubs for people who share some of your interests, and get out there making friends. Perhaps volunteering for a campaign of a favored political candidate or a local charity that resonates with you. Or if you have interest in pursuing multiple relationships in healthy ways, find your closest polyamory and/or bi discussion group and get involved.

4) You may want to consider seeing a professional therapist to deal with the past pains of abuse from your childhood which is holding you back from having healthy and equal relationships.

Without knowing what is really inside of your friend’s head that is causing her to react this way, it is my best intuition that until she can deal with whatever her own personal problems are in her marriage, that you may be without the closeness of your friend for a while. It’s probably best to let her know that you will always be there for her, and then be prepared to move on until she’s ready. It’s unfortunate for you, as you really haven’t done anything wrong other than blindly following her lead and trusting that she was inviting you into her life in ways that were comfortable for her.

Best wishes to you,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

My husband and I have been swingers for a long while, although we typically tend to only become sexual with people we’ve established some sort of friendship with. However, in the past year or so we’ve pretty much been only swinging with one particular couple. They’re great people, and we enjoy doing so many things with them - movies, BBQs, hanging out as well as the sex. We’ve even found ourselves comfortable swapping partners with them even if not all of us are in the same room, which is a first for us.

I’ve recently found the term polyamory when searching around for information on having multiple long term partners, and I’m wondering - does the term apply to our situation?

Thanks,
Are we Poly?

Dear Are we Poly?

I think the most important thing is that all four of you are comfortable with the situation, and know what the expectations are and aren’t. There are a few things the can be distinguishing marks between polyamory and swinging, but there is a heck of a lot of grey area inbetween.

Some of the distinguishing characterteristics are:

• Sex vs Relationships: In polyamory, you open yourself up to falling in LOVE with more than one person at a time. In swing, that’s usually pretty threatening to the core couple. Swing is generally more about recreational sex and polyamory is more about loving relationships. In swinging, friendship is usually the deepest emotional connection that a couple allows with others (and that isn’t a requirement for all swingers). Polyamory usually involves deeply emotional connections (love) with multiple people, and sex can (and usually is) an integral part of those relationships. So the question to ask yourself here.. are you open to loving them beyond friendship?
• Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy: Swinging, in many ways is still monogamously based. Swinging is viewed as safe and non-threatening to the couple’s emotionally monogamous relationship. Polyamory usually isn’t approached from a couple-centric place. While couples may both date (even date the same person)… the relationships are viewed as individual relationships. In polyamory, you’re much more an individual than identified with your relationship structure. Would you comfortable if not only your husband had sex with the other women, but would you be ok with them going out on a romantic date on their own?
• Discreet vs. “Out”: Swinging is usually a discreet activity that a couple does on the weekends - whereas polyamorous relationship are part of every day life, and not an activity done from time to time. Some questions that might help you clarify include: Do you want to introduce your couple to your other friends and family? Do have a desire to include them in major life events (weddings, funerals, company picnics, etc.)? Would you be there for them if they had a major crisis? Do you desire putting a photo of them on your desk at work?

You will probably find that there may not be clear answers to all of the above, and that you are currently somewhere in the grey zone. And in the end, it really doesn’t matter what you call it - as long as everyone is having fun, is comfortable, is on the same page and is enjoying themselves. There’s no one handing out poly cards, afterall. And one is not better than the other.

- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

My wife and I are both exploring polyamory, however she tends to be a bit more jealous and insecure. We’re both quite concerned about STDs and always use protection and proceed cautiously when having sexual encounters with others. I’m seeing a new woman, and I’d really like to become more involved with her. But my partner is not responding very well to it. I feel she’s using risks of STDs to thwart my relationship instead of dealing with any jealousy she might be experiencing. How do I get my partner to let me have sex with my new love interest?

- Ready to get it on

Dear Ready to get it on :

STDs are a reality that all sexually active folks have to contend with. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been seeing this new woman, but maybe it’s going too fast for your wife to come up to speed with. Have they met and had the opportunity to spend time getting to know each other? By allowing your wife to become comfortable with your new sweetie, you give them both a chance to build respect for each other. Also, have you done a full sexual health and history exchange with this new potential partner? Having real risk factors to evaluate may be helpful for all involved.

Your wife may also be feeling that this new woman does present increased risk factors sexually. While STD concerns shouldn’t be used to cover up dealing with jealousy, they are a serious issue to address upfront. Your wife has a responsibilty to herself to protect her health and know what risks she’s taking on. However, it is also possible that little red and yellow flags of jealousy are cropping up as STD concerns. Use this opportunity to fully discuss any concerns your wife has about this new potential sweetie, and you may find that giving her space to express her concerns goes a long way to bridging the unknown.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

After doing a lot of research and soul searching, I’ve decided that I’m polyamorous by nature and am ready to embrace that. Now what? How do I find people do date?  Is it best to date other people who are polyamorous, or to just date ‘normal’ people and hope they’ll be ok with it?

Thanks,
- New to Poly

Dear New to Poly,

Congratulations on taking the time to figure out if polyamory is for you before getting involved with people.  As a general rule of thumb, it tends to be easiest to date other folks who are already inclined towards non-monogamous relationship models. But, that’s not to say that you won’t find some people who are open to the idea but just haven’t been exposed to it being a feasible path. And, even if you did find people who identify as polyamorous already, that’s not to say that they will be wanting to practice it in the same ways you might.  With any relationship, you’ll still have to figure things out and find what works for all involved.

As far as some ways of finding folks who may be more inclined towards polyamory than others, try these tips:

• Some online dating sites are open to polyamory. They include:
  • OkCupid (which is free)
  • PlentyofFish (also free)
  • PolyMatchMaker
• Finding your local polyamory discussion, social and/or support group - google for ‘polyamory’ and nearby large cities to you to find them. Check out YahooGroups, GoogleGroups and Meetup.com to see if there are groups near you. Interacting with others in your area who are exploring polyamory is a great way to make new friends, meet others on similar paths and even potentially find people to date. Just a word of caution - don’t join group with only the intention of dating people in it.
• Attend regional and national polyamory conferences. All throughout the year there are gatherings of polyamorous folks in major cities for weekend long conferences and retreats. Some are casual campouts, others are larger scale hotel based conferences. These are great opportunities to learn more about polyamory and meet others walking this path.
• Do the things you love doing. As with dating in general, you are more likely to find people you have common interests with by doing the things you enjoy doing. Just be upfront that you’re polyamorous before things get too serious if you find people you want to date.
• Be as ‘out’ as you can about being polyamorous.  Since not everyone can be out - whether it be job or family concerns, the more out you are the more likely people who are interested in polyamory will come to you. Include polyamory as a keyword on any online profiles you have, let friends know that you’re poly and dating, etc.  You don’t have to wear the t-shirt, but include it as a casual part about you as you would anything else.

Best wishes on your dating path,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

One of my sweeties, who I don’t live near, is going through a tough time. She has a partner that she lives with who is providing a lot of her day to day to support. But today she got angry with me for not offering up more support than I have. I admit, I haven’t been reaching out much, but then again - she’s never asked me to either. I don’t feel she has a right to be as upset with me as she is considering she’s not been expressing her needs to me. What do you think, shouldn’t the poly mantra of ‘Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!’ apply here?

Thanks,
- Wrongly Accused

Dear Wrongly Accused,

In relationships, it is extremely important to be able to express your needs and expectations to your partner(s)/sweeties/friends. That’s general Communication 101 stuff there, and an excellent recipe for taking responsibility of making sure your needs are met.

But on the flip side, it’s also important to recognize that when someone else is in need that it is the least likely time that they are able to express their needs in rational ways. Being compassionate to that, and using your knowledge of them to pro-actively provide is also important. And at the very least, don’t reprimand them for not expressing their needs as your defense for why you’ve been neglectful towards them.

Sometimes they may not even be in a mind space to realize that they’d appreciate some additional support from you, never mind communicate that to you. And in my opinion, that’s one of the benefits of relationships - is being in the unique position to recognize when your sweetie is in that space, and being more pro-active than usual to offer up support. Isn’t it more pleasant to get thanks for giving unexpected support, than being on the receiving end of disappointment for having not?

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

The situation is this: I seem to have two boyfriends. I have heard of polyamory, and am interested in it, but I still have questions.

The first one is a businessman, who has recently been divorced; I am being a friend to him in that I am letting him talk through the various problems he’s having. I’m letting him treat me as a friend with benefits, meaning that I am willing to sleep with him. I have feelings for him and we have made tentative plans for the future.

The second one is a retired Marine who really likes me; I really like him too. Due to some medical problems that he doesn’t want to saddle me with, he is encouraging me to look toward the businessman. He is remaining very much a part of my life, and has become my best friend. He agrees to be my boy-friend, even though he wants me to find someone else, like the businessman.

Both men know about the other, and actually they are both sort-of glad that the other is there, which is kind-of odd, but alright. I mean to keep them both in my life, but I don’t really know how to go about doing that, seeing as there aren’t all that many examples, at least that I can think of, of polyamorous relationships. Do you have any suggestions?

- Tenatively exploring Poly

Dear Tentatively:

This actually sounds like a great foundation for the start of an intentionally polyamorous relationship. You’re close with both men, they know about each other and neither one of them is demanding that you be exclusive with them. In fact, it’s sounding like they appreciate the situation.

I would recommend your next step is to talk with each of them individually, and make sure they are indeed comfortable with you intentionally continuing to be involved with both of them. Some questions to specifically ask each of them include:

• How much information does each want to know about the other, and your relationship with them?
• How much information is each comfortable with you sharing with the other?
• How much time and energy does each want from you?
• Do they have any desire in being in contact directly with each other?
• Do either of them have any requests for the safer sex practices you adhere to?
• Are either of them seeing, or intending to see, other people?

Make sure that they both know that you are willing to talk about any of the concerns they have, and that you understand that there may be concerns or jealous reactions in the future.

As far as finding other resources for seeing how polyamorous relationships work, there are lots of resources available. Take a visit to Loving More at www.lovemore.com for a magazine dedicated to the subject, as well as a full bookstore. Googling around for word ‘polyamory’ will also bring you to many websites of individuals, couples, triads, etc. practicing polyamory that you can learn from. You’ll likely find more information than you were anticipating.

Best wishes on your journey!
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne,

I’m relationshipless right now, and I miss sex. For serious romantic relationships, I have very high standards and haven’t yet found anyone around I have the right connection with. However, I do have a couple of friends I’d be ok with “messing around” sexually with. If I were to try casual sex, I’d make sure to be absolutely sure to be clear on what it meant and what it didn’t mean, and all that, and I’d be careful about STDs and pregnancy and such. The bottom line: I’ve never had sex outside of a serious relationship before. Can it work? Are there specific things that are important to know or watch out for? Can it be rewarding? And how do you go about bringing it up?

-Horny and Single

Dear Horny and Single:

Yes, intentional casual sex can work and be rewarding. Just keep it all in perspective, be clear about the emotional boundaries and intents with the people you pursue this with. Both with yourself, and with them. Also be sure where your risk tolerance level is for STDs, and don’t be afraid to have clear physical boundaries for situations that may not meet your standards. For instance, you may find that given one person’s situation you may feel that penetrative intercourse with a condom is a reasonable risk, but with another going beyond manual play may not be.

The things to watch out for might include:

• Sex and orgasm can trigger brain chemistry to a point where someone you were intending a casual sexual relationship with may seem to be a more intense emotional connection or attachment. Being in a single space, be very cautious with your emotional boundaries. That’s not to say that someone you enter into a casual sexual encounter with may not turn out to be someone you want to pursue a more serious relationship with, just don’t allow your brain chemistry to fool you and second guess yourself. This is especially true for someone who has not explored sex outside of serious relationship, you already have that pattern to break.
• Just because it’s casual sex, does not mean that doing a basic sexual history exchange and test results exchange is out of the question. And it does not mean that it has to be with strangers or be more anonymous either. Stick with what you are comfortable with, and make those decisions as to where your boundaries are while you are not in the heat of the moment.
  
• Try to think a little forward and the impacts that your casual sex phase may have on future serious relationships. If you do a sexual history exchange in the future, you will need to include all of your encounters, and depending on who you’re pursuing relationship with, your history may impact how they approach you sexually. Be ok with that before you pursue casual sex. Also be aware that HPV is one of those STDs that is difficult for males to be tested for, can transmit regardless of barrier use, can lead to oral cancers, as well as increase a woman’s risk of cervical cancer. Casual sexual encounter will likely increase your odds of encountering at least one strain, given that 80% of the population has been exposed at one point, and 20-25% has a currently contagious infection.
• Existing friends, unless there is already a flirtatious nature or previous open door, may be difficult to convert from friendship to casual sex buddy. You know the personalities and situations of your friend’s best, and who might be approachable about this. Just be aware that adding in a sexual element can impact the friendship.. so be cautious here, and only bring it up with people you suspect would be open to this.

As for how to bring it up.. that will likely vary by person. In general, avoid coming off as desperate. I’d recommend opening up general dialog with the friends you’re interested in, update yourself on their current life and update them on yours. When you get to the part that you’re missing sex and are considering pursuing more of a ‘friends with benefits’ sort of deal, you’ve now opened the door for them to respond if they might be interested in this. If they don’t, perhaps asking them if it’s something they’ve ever considered (not specifically with you, but in general). At least get the topic in that direction and see where it leads.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

I’ve been trying dating online, and will spark up an e-mail exchange with someone who sounds really great. We’ll send a couple of e-mails back and forth, only to have the conversations end with no further response back from the other person. It’s not like there’s lack of things to talk about, and the initial exchanges always seem quite interesting. What I am doing that results in this happening so often? Why don’t people respond back to my e-mails? I can see that these people are still logging into the site.

Thanks,
Feeling Invisible

Dear Feeling Invisible:

There is an art to conversation, especially online communication, that is a learned skill. E-mail takes a bit of effort to read and compose, so to keep someone engaged in the process you must put forth a bit of extra effort. In ‘real life’, it’s sometimes easier to keep an engaging conversation going, because you can use body language, facial expressions and tone of voice to gauge if someone is still interested in talking with you. But online, these signals oftentimes are missed, especially in e-mail where the replies are not immediate.

Here are some tips for keeping an e-mail exchange with someone new going:

- Always include questions or prompts back to the other person for further communication. I know that I often will write an e-mail to someone, ask them questions about something they’ve said or something I’m curious about - and they respond only answering the questions. They include no prompt back to me indicating that they want to keep communication. When I get an e-mail like that, my tendency is to assume they are not interested in conversation or are just incredibly self-centered. Remember, this is a dialouge with another person, not writing an essay back to them all about you. Make sure you relay that you are interested in learning more about them as you are in answering their questions. Most people like to talk about themselves and you’re more likely to keep getting responses back if you invite that.

- If you haven’t received a response back to your last e-mail for a few days, and especially if you’ve seen the person log on to the site recently, send a quick note to remind them that you’re still interested. Be short, recognize that the person may have been busy and be very polite and not demanding. You don’t want your message to come across as you being desperate, needy or nagging. If you feel you may have not left room in your last response for them to have something to reply back to (such as making the mistake above), you may want to include a new questions in this message such as .. ‘So, it occurred to me to ask you more about your interests in SCUBA diving - where do you like to dive best?’. If you don’t get a response back to this one in a few days.. just let it go. Don’t keep nagging them, they’re either too busy or have lost interest in you.

- If someone replies to you making the mistakes above (by not including clear invitations for things they’d like you to reply back with), don’t assume they’ve lost interest. Reply anyway - comment on things they said about themselves, perhaps including how some of it applies to you. If you have more questions, ask them. And clearly make an invitation for them to ask back any questions they have about you. Sometimes, people are afraid to impose by asking questions.

- Some people have a threshold for how many e-mails they will put effort into reading and composing, and perhaps you’ve simply reached this person’s limit. If they live locally enough, and you feel there may be reciprocal interest , it may be time for your next e-mail to suggest arranging an in person meeting. Again, don’t be pushy or demanding in your request.

Best wishes in your future communicating,
- Serolynne

Dear Serloynne:

I’m a single female who has HPV and I’m dating. I found a very nice guy but it very quickly turned into a nightmare leaving me feeling terrible. I did talk to this guy about my STD but didn’t specify it as HPV. When we decided to get intimate one day, he proved with reports he was STD free as he works in health care and he gets tested every 4 months.

I did try to insist we used condoms but he said condoms don’t work for him and I should trust him since he gets tested every 4 months. And in the heat of the moment, we had unprotected sex. And somehow after the deed I mentioned what I had was HPV. He was pissed off naturally but it didn’t stop him from JUMPING ME A SECOND TIME. Then he cussed me out totally the next day. Turning the tables on me, he said I never told him I had ANY STD. Yes, it’s my fault and it’s my duty, responsibility not to spread it. I can’t stop beating myself up for it now & I’m depressed all over again. It’s really taunting me that I have effectively ruined somebody’s life.

Any advice how I can get over this?

- Moxy

Dear Moxy:

Yes, it’s true you should have told him upfront about the HPV. However, you did disclose you had a STD and he’s the one who foolishly insisted on getting sexual without condoms without first getting your test results too. If he was so concerned about not being exposed to STDs, then why doesn’t he insist on getting current test results from his potential partners like he provides them? Something smells fishy to me about that. So basically.. yes, you could have been more upfront, could have refused sex without a condom (not that it would have totally protected him) -.but he also bears a LOT of responsibility here for his own actions and insistence. We each are responsible for the choices we make, and he was irresponsible to his own health by not asking questions of you. So please don’t beat yourself up too much over this. Learn from the lesson to be more upfront in the future, and also realize that there are no approved tests for men for HPV, so they can’t prove to you that they’re totally STD-free.

I can tell you that dating with HPV - you will find some people who are ignorant about it and mishear it as HIV or HSV, or not even realize that they probably already have a strain of HPV. But by and large, most people I’ve encountered would be happy to date me even with my HPV status. I’m usually the one skeptical - as I don’t want to be exposed to a new strain of the virus and make my situation worse. But yes, there are people that I really click with and see long term potential with - and the risks of exposure are worth the while. The key is.. be upfront about your situation (and check them out too.. have any of their female partners had abnormal PAP smears recently?), take things slow and get to know each other before getting too sexual.

Enjoy the foreplay, suspense, romance and build up.. and make sure this is someone who will really be there for you and not just someone interested in getting in your pants.

Best wishes,

- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

I’m a 24 year old girl, and I just recently had an abnormal PAP smear (LGSIL) and a positive high risk HPV test result. I’m single and I’d really like to not remain that way, but I also don’t want to pass this virus to other people. Should I just date other people who also have HPV to be on the safe side?

Thanks,
Doesn’t want to be alone

Dear Doesn’t want to be alone,

While with some STDs, it can be beneficial to date other’s with the same diagnosis, HPV is generally not one of those. Particularly not the high risk kind that can increase your chances of cervical cancer. The reason being is that there are about 15 different strains of the HPV virus that can aid cervical cancer. Infection with multiple strains can tax your immune system and might actually make things worse. So, unless you know what strain of HPV you have, and what strain your potential dating partner has - then there’s really no way to know for sure that you both have the same exact strain of HPV. Testing for specific strains is a rarity, so most people only know if they’ve had a positive HPV result. Also, keep in mind that there is no approved or reliable test for HPV in men.

So no, I would not recommend specificallly seeking out others with HPV. Instead, seek out partners who are aware of HPV, know the current status of their recent partners (ie. have any of the women in their sexual network had an abnormal PAP smear?) and are people interested in your for the longer term. I’ve typically found that when looking at potential longer term relationships, that my potential partners have not been overly concerned that they may be exposed to the HPV virus by me. Just take things slow, be upfront about the risks and make sure the risk of potential exposure is worth it.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Note: I am not a medical expert, and the above should not be taken as medical advice.

Dear Serolynne:

I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months now, and we seem to be very compatible and I think we have the potential to have something very special here. My biggest concern however is how needy she seems to be, particularly with how I spend my time when I’m not with her. She’s a bit younger than me, and has had some bad relationships in the past. But I’m not those guys.

My current dilemma is that there’s a weekend long conference coming up that I really want to attend. She can’t attend the whole thing because of prior commitments so she doesn’t want me to attend anything that she can’t join me for. Despite my offering to call her and send text messages while I’m there, this doesn’t seem to alleviate whatever is bothering her about my attending.

I really want to attend the whole thing - how can I do so without trampling on her feelings?

Thanks,
- Doesn’t want to be held back

Dear Doesn’t:

It’s probably time for you both to sit down and have a talk about your relationship, and where it’s going. At the couple month point, there’s still a lot of funny brain chemistry potentially going on, and things are still pretty new for you both. Spelling out some of your intentions to each other for the relationship is probably a good idea and could go a long way towards soothing over insecurities. Part of her insecurties could be based in her not knowing if you’re seeing her as a serious relationship or not.

As far as your upcoming conference, there may be a couple of different issues at play here. I’d sit her down and explore where the triggers about this event are coming from. Some possible things you might find, include:

Is it simply that you’d be apart for a couple of days? If so, that’s something that needs to addressed ASAP as that’s inevitable to happen, and neither of you should be held back from doing the things you want to do simply for fear of being apart for a couple of days. Discuss things that she could use that time to do - perhaps things that you don’t particularly enjoy doing.

Is it that you have interests that don’t exactly mesh with hers? Again, another important thing to address early on. Establishing conscious intentions for individuality from early on is really important to the long term health of the relationship. One thing you can do is make sure she feels loved and attended to before and after the conference - so she starts to learn that you exploring your individual interests does not have to be exclusionary to her, and can infact help you grow as individual so you can bring more of yourself back to share with her.

Is it that the nature of the conference is outside of her comfort zone? Perhaps it’s more sexually charged than she’s comfortable with you being in? This is a legitimate concern for her to have, and you need to make sure you clearly expresses your intentions in attending, as well as discussing where your physical and emotional boundaries are.

Is it that you’d be attending with potential other lovers, exes, etc? Again, another legitimate concern where you should define their boundaries around.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

My boyfriend and I recently broke up after living together for 3 years. We broke up fairly mutually after realizing we just simply have different life goals, and we’re hoping continue to be on friendly terms with each other. As we have a lease on our apartment for another 8 months, we’re considering continuing to live together. Do you think this is a workable situation?

Wants to Make it Work

Dear Wants:

Congratulations on breaking up in what appears to be a healthy and mature way. Maintaining a friendship with an ex can be a very special thing. You certainly won’t be the first to be able to successfully live together after a break up. That you consider the break-up to have been fairly mutual, and you’re on friendly terms is a good sign that you’ll at least be able to make the best of the next eight months.

Some things to consider to make this work:

- Work out the terms of living together with your ex, trying to do so from the point of view that you are now roommates, not domestic partners. This might take a bit of a mental shift after several years of living together otherwise. There are probably things about living with someone that are more tolerable when they’re your lover than when they’re your roommate - such as how often the dishes are done, who takes out the trash, clutter and tidiness, how often guests come over, etc.

- If your apartment has a layout that supports it, considering dividing up your living space with more separation than you might have had previously. Separate bedrooms and bathrooms can go a long way to making the situation feel more like roommates.

- Reconsider any financial entanglements you might have - such as the way you split living expenses like groceries and dining out. It’s little things like this that can help make the necessary mental shift to go from lovers to people sharing space. You may find you don’t actually need to make any changes, but the process alone of going through everything together can really help.

- Consider if either of you will start dating while you’re still living together, and what the rules will be around that. While the thought of your ex dating others may only be slightly disconcerting, waking up in the morning to your ex’s latest date in the kitchen in his bathrobe may be an entirely different story.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

 I’m a great single guy, with a lot to offer. I’d really like to find someone to date and potentially have a life long relationship with. I hate the bar scene and don’t have a lot of free time for that sort of stuff anyway. I’ve been trying some online dating sites, and I’m not having much luck having women respond to my e-mails.  Are there any tips for how to get noticed on a dating site? I know there are probably hundreds of guys for every woman on these sites. 

 Thanks,
Looking for Love Online

Dear Looking Online:

You’re right, there are lots of guys out there looking for relationships online. And there are a lot of women too.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of people don’t know how to effectively use online tools to meet people. I know personally, I’ve had great luck meeting people online.  Here are some tips to online dating, from a woman’s perspective:

1) Have a great profile that says a lot about who you are. Pay attention to grammar and spelling. Don’t USE ALL CAPS or all lower case.  Express who you are - what you do for work, some of your hobbies and interests or some unique things you’ve done in your life.  What inspires you? What do you want to accomplish in life? And what type of relationships are you open to?  Your profile doesn’t need to be a full length essay, but it also shouldn’t be short and generic. I tend to pass over guys who have profiles that simply say something like ‘I’m a great guy, I don’t know how to write about myself - so drop me a line if you want to get to know me.’    I highly recommend letting some of your friends read your profile and give you feedback to make sure it’s reflecting what they see in you too.

2)  When you make a first contact to someone on a dating site, make sure your message doesn’t read like a form letter.  I know that I, and many of my women friends, get mail boxes full of very generic e-mails that say  nothing about why this person has selected me to write to (other than ‘you’re pretty’ or some other such generic response).  I recommend a 3 paragraph approach..

First paragraph should start out with something about the person’s profile that struck your interest (’Hi.. I see you like skydiving, that’s something I’ve always wanted to try!’), and then expand on other things about the profile and person that you liked.  If the profile was well written, witty, insightful, etc. -  then say so.   I would generally avoid including too much about things you physically liked about the person (’You’ve got a great body’ or ‘I love red heads’).  Most women want to be noticed for who they are, not how they look or how they meet some physical ideal you have.

The second paragraph should introduce yourself a bit and be a quick synopsis of your profile - career, hobbies, interests, etc. It’s a good idea to include things that you think the other person might appreciate about you as well.  (’Like you, I’ve also done a great deal of travel.’)

The third paragraph should include a bit about what you’re looking for and why you’ve contacted this person.  Friendship? Dating? Sexual encounter? Potential wife?   Encourage them to read your profile for more information about you, and ask for a reply if they’d like to communicate further.

3)  Avoid sounding desperate.  Desperation is a very unattractive trait.

4) Do not offer your phone number or alternate contact information until you’ve corresponded a couple of times and have a pretty clear indication that this person is interested in communicating outside of the site. Sending your contact information in the first reply or two can come off as pushy.

5) Some of my male friends tell me that some of the best online contacts they’ve had are when the woman contacts them!  They simply concentrate on keeping a great profile up, and then having quality communication when women reach out to them.  Some other guys I know just can’t get accept a women making the first move - I encourage men to get past this, and be open to it.   And I encourage women on dating sites to be pro-active and contact men who strike their interest.  It helps balance the online dating playing field a bit, and encourages the interesting men to stick around and keep trying.

Best wishes in your online search.. don’t give up!

- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

I am married, and we have a 3 year old. The sex has gone down to almost none since he was born. Don’t get me wrong I love them to death, but guys as you should know have needs. I’m considering having a discreet outside lover to take care of those sexual needs, what do you think?

- Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy:

I sympathize with your situation .. and I hear about it far too often.

Perhaps you and your wife need to be making more time for you as a couple. I can’t imagine it being a great environment to raise a child in a household where the parents aren’t connecting and loving with each other. No sex for three years is not indicative of a healthy loving partnership, and that attitude can result in sending really warped messages about what love is to your child as he grows up. Not to mention, it’s got to be creating unnecessary stress between you and your wife.

Some ideas to help get the spark back before you loose the love you had that helped create your child:

• Get a babysitter for the weekend, take your wife on a romantic get away focused on just the two of you.
• Make time for each other on a regular basis.. plan date nights where you don’t talk about the job, the kid or the mortgage/
• Leave each other naughty notes in your lunch boxes, sneak teasing photos of each other into your sock drawer.
• Do something for her: a silly strip tease for her to her favorite sultry song, wrap a blindfold around her eyes in the kitchen and lead her to a surprise in the bedroom, draw her a warm bubbly bath and give her a massage, read her an erotic story by candlelight
• Cook her dinner AND do the dishes
• Take the kid for an afternoon/night and get her an appointment at the spa to pamper her.. help her feel like the sexy woman you married and created a child with, instead of just being a mom.

Women have sexual needs too, ya know - heck, most women I know have far higher sex drives than men. Have you ever questioned where she’s getting hers met at?

Having outside casual sexual encounters isn’t going to fix anything in your relationship with your wife, and in fact will likely cause more troubles than it’s worth (what about when - not if - she finds out? What if you expose yourself to a STD and when you do have sex with her again, you pass it to her?). Are you really willing to risk your relationship, future custody of your son (you’d probably loose a lot of your rights by being the cheater in the divorce) and/or the health of your wife? Get that spark back and find fulfillment in each other.. and if you can’t, seek marital counseling. And if you do find that spark again, and you both want to open your relationship up to others - then do it in conscious ways supporting each other the whole way.

- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne,

I have recently come across your website, while getting some information on HPV. I’m a 24 yeas old male, and I was diagnosed with genital warts and had them frozen off and all was fine, however I was pretty upset about it.

When I got to the clinic I was relieved, not only where the doctors and nurses fantastic but they made the whole thing calm down in my head. They said that condoms do not protect you fully against HPV and the only protection was to not have sex, but said not to worry and once the warts where removed to continue with sex normally. I got some cream to apply, and after 3 or 4 days I found the warts had gone.

This all happened over about 2 years, and I had 1 partner during this time, and we tried to be safe as possible.

However that relationship ended, and even though I havent had a relapse I am now emotionally torn. I cant be in a relationship, I havent told anyone close to me about it (except my ex), and now I just dont see how I can have a normal healthy relationship. I am trying, or more forcing myself to come to the conclusion that I will need to be single for the rest of my life, and I know this is silly, but I dont want to do to a girl what you have been through.

I want to thank you for your story and information, it does help to read such open and honest information.

Regards,
Concerned 

Dear Concerned:

Thanks for sharing your story as well.

However, I don’t think you need to worry at all about ‘putting a girl through what I went through.’ The strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer and abnormal PAPs are NOT the same strains that you had that caused warts.

Warts are annoying little beasts for sure.. but they aren’t really a huge medical concern and won’t threaten your life or your partner’s. At worst, a girl you date might get warts (although, unlikely, given you haven’t had a relapse in a long while.. and that only 9% of people exposed to HPV ever get symptoms anyway). And at worst, she uses cream and might have them taken off like you did. They’d probably be external, and they won’t be a serious threat to her health.

The HPV strands to worry about for women are the ‘high risk’ ones that infect the cervix subclinically.. they’re the ones that can lead to cervical cancer if not treated. And you don’t have evidence of having one of those strains. (And if you did, you likely wouldn’t know it unless you had a partner come back with an abnormal PAP.)

So.. go live life. Don’t let silly little warts hold ya down. Life is too short as is and you’re young.. and there are too many things that really can threaten your life to worry about. Embrace love and sex (just pre-disclose your history.. as anyone should before having sex.. you’ll find you’re not that uncommon at all.. 80% of people you encounter have been exposed to HPV) when you can. And, encourage your future partners to look into getting the HPV Vaccine, which will help protect them against the most common strains of HPV, including possibly even the one you dealt with.

Have fun out there.

- Serolynne

Disclosure: I am not a medical professional, and the above should not be taken as medical advice. I’m simply a HPV patient myself who has done her homework and is sharing her personal opinion.

Dear Serolynne,

I came across your contact info when browsing the website on how to positively tackle jealous emotion in an individual. It’s a pretty enlightening write up you got there and I do hope to put them in practice with favorable results.

Could you possibly advise how best to react or handle when examples of below situation triggers the jealousy in you !

a) Your partner receiving a text message at ungodly hour (4.00AM) from not even a friend, rather a mere acquaintance over an unimportant issue. The point is I don’t see the rationale why he should even bother replying to a nobody when he is already in a committed relationship.

b) Your partner making a trip to places where it’s a man’s haven (e.g. Thailand) and it’s meant to be a guys outing only. Of course being in the shoes of his other half, a woman can’t help feeling insecure and entertaining thoughts of unwanted temptations he will face there. And when he returns and relate the story on his all guys outing, he actually honestly confessed to you that a half naked dancer actually came over to him and got cosy over him!

So, Serolynne, how would you have responded to your partner given such situations?

Cheers,

Jealous Partner

Dear Jealous Partner:

My partner and I are polyamorous, so my personal responses may not be the best way for you to handle these particular situations. All of these situations would be normal parts of our relationship and would not cause concern for us, but rather opportunities to share with each other. We’d talk openly and honestly about them, so that there are no secrets and we completely understood what the other is up to.

As far as issue A.. if it’s a nobody.. why would it even be a threat to a committed relationship? Hopefully this partner is allowed to have friends outside the relationship without it being threatening? Even in monogamy, that would an unhealthy situation (to not be able to have friends and acquaintances). In my and my partner’s case.. we receive text messages, e-mails, etc. from strangers, acquaintances, friends and other lovers. It’s no big deal at all as we encourage each other to keep in touch with others we care about.. and we share with each other about the conversations we’re having.

In issue B.. this exact scenario hasn’t come up. But I completely trust my partner to know and respect the sexual boundaries we’ve negotiated with others and not cross them. In our relationship, snuggling with others is not an issue.. nor would kissing, making out or sharing heavy petting. Just let the other know and share the fun stories afterwards. And if either of us were to cross our boundaries, that would a legitimate issue to deal with. A dancer getting cozy with my partner? There’s nothing to be jealous of there.. she’s a professional and no threat at all to our relationship (just perhaps our bank account). I’d laugh with my partner at the scene and share in the joy and hoped he enjoyed the experience.

I’d say if your partner is being honest with you about what happened, count yourself blessed to have someone who cares enough about you to share and is willing to go the extra mile to risk facing your reactions. It may not always be the most pleasant news to hear, but would you rather he didn’t share with you and you found out later from one of his friends? Thank him for sharing with you, use the opportunity to discuss your feelings and reactions to it so he better understands what your triggers are and encourage future sharing and communication.

- Serolynne

Dear Serolynne:

Last evening I was on a date with a new guy I’ve been seeing. I’ve been exploring polyamory for a couple of years, and he’s relatively new to it. The date was at a concert, in which some other friends of mine attended, who are also polyamorous. Throughout the evening, some of the other poly women friends of mine where hitting on my date.. right in front of me! Isn’t this rude? Am I right to be upset over this?

Thanks,

Jealous Date

Dear Jealous Date:

Just because one identifies as polyamorous, does not mean they are fair game for flirting. And while your friends may have been crossing the line a bit to flirt with your date without checking in with you first to see if it was ok - I do want to point out that flirting is a two way street. Your friends would not have kept flirting with your date if he was not receptive and responding to it. So please don’t put all of the blame on your friends in this case - your date had every opportunity to acknowledge the attention in a way that did not encourage more of it .

Some setting of intentions before the date probably would have gone a long way to setting the expectations properly. I recommend on future dates to discuss beforehand if the date is to be focused on each other, or if flirting with others you might be encountering is acceptable. A useful tool is to also set a signal of some sort that either of you can trigger if things get uncomfortable so that you can gracefully refocus the attention back on each other. For instance, squeezing the shoulder might indicate that you’re uncomfortable and would appreciate that whatever conversation your date is involved in be brought to a close and the focus back to you. I’ve often found that just setting these intentions of being my date’s priority for the night/event is usually enough to alleviate any uncomfortable moments, and I don’t actually have to instigate a shoulder squeeze.

And of course, if you really do want the date to be focused on just you and your date - go somewhere where you won’t be socializing with your friends.

- Serolynne

Over the years, I’ve been asked for advice on a variety of topics. Here you will find a collection of those questions and my advice to them.

If you have a question, please write me at cherie@serolynne.com . I never reveal any personally identifiable information in my public responses.

Feel free to ask for advice on polyamory, relationships, sex, safer sex, technology, running a small business, being childfree by choice, travel, etc..